Bill held back his tears. The life in her eyes was so good to see. “Merry Christmas Mom”, he said as he gave her a hug..

He shook his Dad’s hand, and continued, “Have a safe trip back, and hurry home.” It’s been a long time, he thought. Dad had taken the overseas job almost five years ago and this next year would be their last. .

His Mom turned to David and gave him a hug too, “Thanks for the wonderful turkey David, and your desserts were delicious. It’s always a treat coming here for a meal. You spoil us.”.

David, and Bill, blushed with pride. .

As David finished cleaning up, Bill sat on the couch and unfolded the piece of paper his Dad had handed him earlier. He finished reading the poem, got up from the chair and went to the bathroom, where he could cry alone..

That night in bed, as David made his man-boy snores, Bill remembered the day his family arrived at the farm, twenty eight years ago..

Little Billy, with his head sticking out the window, brushed the heavy wet snowflakes from his eyelashes as they pulled up to the farmhouse with their loaded truck. His bottled up excitement exploded as he leapt out of the truck and escaped to the house, leaving the grown-ups to unload. He flung back the wooden slatted side door, zoomed up the three stairs and burst into the heart of his new home. The kitchen took up almost half of the main floor, certainly big enough to fit his family..

Bill suppressed the bombardment of sweet and bitter memories and turned to accompany that spirited young boy up the steep and narrow stairs leading to the second floor..

Little Billy could see the branches of a tree waving at him through the landing window as he climbed. He placed his hands on the small sill and gazed out into the giant yard. Just outside the window stood a gnarly and autumn colored tree with a trunk that branched into three. Next spring, Billy would find a hole in this tree where each and every year, until a bolt of lighting split it in two, a batch of starlings would be raised by their mother and father. Looking beyond the tree and to the left, he could see two others, and spanning the yard from end to end was a row of more trees, similar to the first. Later, little Billy would learn to call them ‘Populars’. .

In this yard Billy, his siblings and visiting cousins would pitch a tent and spend many summer nights of freedom and exploration. Summer on the farm was wonderful..

In summer, when the company came, there was always a campfire in the back corner of this yard where all enjoyed the star filled night and had fun avoiding a swooping bat every now and again. The evening filled with conversation and laughter around the warm glow of the family fire. On these nights, little Billy felt doubly blessed, warmed from the fire on the outside and from the spark in his mother’s eyes on the inside..

The many games of kick the can flashed by, and the softball games, and the water fights on the hottest of days..

Then Bill remembered looking out this window once before, at Gary, bare-chested, sweating and hairy, in his familiar and ragged jean shorts, tossing a ball to his sister Dianne. And he relived those unsettling feelings. Loneliness and jealousy and a strange longing, all mixed up into one..

Bill swallowed the lump in his throat and continued their journey. At the top of the stairs was a door to the first bedroom. The room was small with a slanted ceiling. Maybe one bed could fit here, little Billy thought. At fifteen, four year’s later, he would begin to hide beer and rye under this bed. Was I only fifteen, Bill wondered?.

Bill walked into the room and remembered that evening when he felt dead and wished he was. And the snarly soul killing words from Gary, at dusk by the trailer. Bill wished he could comfort that rejected and empty young boy throughout that endless dark night..

On the way to school the next morning the bus had to pull over so he could puke. His sisters thought he was car sick. Twelve more years would pass before Billy stopped wishing he was dead..

Little Billy hopped to the window and looked out at the old barn. He and Dianne and Sandy would have hours of fun in that barn. He remembered the smell of damp hay and straw as they climbed the chute into the loft. They searched for the mice and sometimes they just played house. From the big doors that swung inward Bill could see the dirt road that his Dad took to work in the city early every morning, and arrived back on late every night. And he remembered being in the field before this road, on the day the first twelve cows arrived. His Dad put a hand on his shoulder and said, “I’m buying these cows for you son. This farm will be yours one day. But I need your help, can I count on you?” Eleven year old Billy promised that he could..

They would use this barn to milk those first twelve cows. His Mom would help, but she was scared of the kickers, so they were his. The cows produced a lot of manure too, and Sandy and he had the delightful chore of cleaning it up. On warm summer days they preferred the experience barefooted. The warm squish between the toes was somehow titillating. Sandy would sometimes pick up a handful and before it slurped through her fingers wing it at him. Every now and again Billy would get a face full. She got hers too. Back then it was just used grain and grass..

The barn was pretty old even that first day, and as the years went by it turned a darker gray as the roof started to sink in the middle. It was still there when they left. He supposed the new owners would burn it down..

Many nights, Billy looked out his bedroom window to watch the cows bellowing for their calves. Back then the sound irritated him, but now it just made him sad..

There had to have been hundreds of calves that he taught to feed from a pail. On their fourth day of life, Billy became their mother. He kicked the slow learners, but never gave up until their tummies were full..

He didn’t get close to the boy calves. They didn’t stay long because as his Dad would say, “You can’t get milk from a bull.”.

Just how many births did he experience? He remembered the first like it was yesterday. Mr. Kobeluk, the neighbor had to come over to help. He had to push the calf all the way back in to pull it out again. Billy remembered watching in shock as Mr. Kobeluk’s arm disappeared up to the shoulder. As they learned more about farming, very few calves were born dead like this one..

Billy always knew when a cow was ready and he would usually be there to watch. Most cows stood up and let their baby fall to the ground, to wake it up. Within minutes the calf would be up and sucking on one of its mother’s four teats. Billy liked to be there in case they needed help in finding one..

As the herd got bigger, the workload got bigger too. Over winter, the cows needed lots of hay to eat and they needed a fresh bed of straw every night. It was Billy’s, Dianne’s and Sandy’s job to feed the cows and do the straw. When his sister’s didn’t feel like it, it was just Billy’s job..

From his bedroom window he could also see Gary’s trailer. Every morning, before going to get the cows for their morning milking, Billy walked into that trailer to wake Gary up. Gary usually slept on his stomach with his head cradled in his elbow. Sometimes in the summer Gary would push the blankets off while he slept..

Bill remembered sneaking outside and spending hours spying on Gary as he lay on his couch watching TV. Watching was enough for Billy. But it was too much for Gary. When he caught Billy, he grabbed him and called him a perverted little creep. The rest of that night was a fog. Billy didn’t expect to wake up. Hoped he wouldn’t..

A couple of days later Billy’s mom decided to have a chat. “Are you one of those homosexuals?” she accused. Billy didn’t answer. She asked some more questions but Billy didn’t answer these either. Billy really didn’t say much for more than a year. .

Later, just after he turned sixteen, Billy was forgiven; Gary needed a drinking buddy. It was in this trailer where he and his only friend Gary would spend most weekend nights getting drunk. With a few drinks, Billy could talk to Gary about almost anything..

Gary was Billy’s Mom’s only friend too. Many nights, she and Gary would sit up and talk about complicated things like religion and morals. And when Gary got tired and went out to bed, Mom would continue reading her harlequin romances until three or four in the morning. Sometimes she would get up before noon, and sometimes she didn’t, and during the bad days she sometimes wouldn’t get up at all..

After waking Gary and getting the cows into the barn, Billy fed the calves. He usually got back to the house in time to make porridge for his Dad. If not, he just set out a bowl of shredded wheat. After his Dad left, he would set the table for Sandy, Dianne, Sherry, Corrine and Dustin, then he would wake them up. As they ate, he made their lunches so they wouldn’t miss the bus. He almost always got them out of the house in time..

Billy accepted the daily torture on the bus to Thorsby in silence. The high school bully behind him never forgot he was there, no matter how much he tried to shrink. But, when he got to school there was protection in numbers. If he kept his head low as he walked down the halls he would get away with being used as a bowling pin only once or twice a month..

At fifteen, Billy had no refuge. It took Billy a few months to convince his Mom and Dad that school in Edmonton would provide him a much better opportunity..

Little Billy burst out of the first bedroom and down the hall. The second bedroom was a bigger room that should be able to fit two beds. Stripes had a few litters of puppies in this room. Billy was lucky enough to see the birth of most of them. He remembered watching and playing with the pups before Gary would have to drown them when the kids were off at school..

He ran up to the double window and looked down at a big bushy tree that still had some leaves. This was the lilac tree that sat outside to the right of the kitchen window. Spring drenched the tree with blossoms. Spring also brought company to the farm. His mom would place bouquets of lilacs all over the house, and their home would overflow with purple’s bittersweet scent. Spring brought his mother back. .

Looking above the lilac tree and to the east Bill could see the new trailer that Gary would buy and put in the field. They would continue their drinking there and Billy would get closer than Gary could..

At the school in Edmonton, Billy managed to get drunk every other day without anybody noticing..

Billy couldn’t concentrate on the farm too much after that. When Gary started on the valium, Mom would eventually force Dad to fire him. Without someone semi-reliable to milk the cows, Dad had to sell the herd. The farm would go half a year later. .

Little Billy ran down to the door at the end of the hall and swung it open. This was the biggest room of all. Sandy and Dianne would have this room. It was always cold. Sandy liked to keep the window open, even in winter. Billy would hear Donny Osmond sing ‘This is not a puppy love’ from this room many times over. No, definitely not a puppy love, thought Bill. .

Out the window of this room little Billy could see the garden. The huge garden that he and mom would seed together the first few years. The garden that always over grew with weeds. After the first few years Mom stopped helping with the seeding. Billy kept it up for a few more years, but the weeds always ended up winning. Eventually, Billy gave up on the garden too..

Bill tried to look up Gary the other day, but someone said they heard that after he got out of the sanitarium he moved to Yellowknife. It was probably for the best, Bill thought, I haven’t had a drink for three years now, and a reunion could be dangerous..

It was just this evening that Sandy told him about a legal letter she found in Mom and Dad’s basement. It appears that Gary tried to sue their Dad for broken promises..

Little Billy hopped down the stairs and into the kitchen. Corrine was on the cupboard watching Mom unpack some dishes. Dustin was on Dad’s shoulders as he and Kyle carried in a chair. Sandy and Dianne giggled in right behind them, each with a small box. Sherry was singing in the living room. Little Billy smiled cause he knew they would be one big happy family in this kitchen. Just like the Waltons..

Bill left himself to live the life he knew he had to face. He got quietly out of bed and went downstairs to the family room. He let Keisha and Kale, his babies, out of their room and sat in his favorite reclining chair. Keisha licked his face and snuggled in his lap as he opened the folded paper and read the poem again..

He went back to bed and cuddled in behind David. He couldn’t believe that over seven years had passed since that dreadful day. Seven precious years since David had come home from the Doctor with the news that he was positive. Will there be seven more? Who knows, with the recent advances? He held David closer.

He and David accomplished a lot in those seven years. They happen to have one of the best looking gardens around. And their flower beds are the envy of the neighbors. In the middle of their cherished yard and off to the side is a miniature lilac bush. On the darker days, Bill looks out at that lilac bush and smiles. He even sometimes wishes he was back on the farm.

No father, he thought, you aren’t so dumb. Raising seven children and running a farm would wear anybody down. And besides, when you’re up to your elbows in shit, if you pay attention, you can always catch the scent of lilac.

Before drifting off to sleep, he thanked God for his life.